


Balm for the Soul

by wilddragonflying



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Anger Management, Bucky develops an affinity for music, Classical Music, M/M, Matthew Bourne's Swan Lake, Post-Winter Soldier, Prokofiev, Swan Lake - Freeform, Tchaikovsky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-29
Updated: 2014-04-29
Packaged: 2018-01-21 05:13:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1538972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wilddragonflying/pseuds/wilddragonflying
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Here." Bruce hands Bucky a CD, gestures to the CD player set up in the corner of the gym. "This music always helped me calm down. Maybe it'll work for you."</p><p>Bucky takes the CD and studies the other man for a moment before he nods. "Thanks." He doubts it'll work-- doubts it'll help with the memory-dreams-- but by this point, he's willing to try almost anything.</p><p>After he's got a bowl of... something (Tony had called it macaroni and cheese with ham, but it just looks like a giant snotball, if Bucky's being honest.) the ex-assassin heads to his floor. It takes a few moments (and more than a few tips from JARVIS) before he figures out the CD player, but eventually he settles down with his bowl and listens to the opening strains of... something.</p><p>Two minutes in, and he forgets about the food entirely, even though his stomach's growling loud enough to rival the music. Bucky just turns the volume up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Balm for the Soul

**Author's Note:**

> I literally have no idea where this came from. There I was, minding my own business, and then BAM. "What if Bucky listened to classical music after he joins up with the Avengers?"

Bucky's been in the Tower for three months. In that time, he has destroyed three hundred forty-seven punching bags, twisted four sets of dumbbells, jogged a collective total of forty-seven miles, and killed fifteen dummies in a multitude of ways.

Not a lot else for a genetically modified ex-Soviet assassin to do when he doesn't need a lot of sleep.

***

"Here." Bruce hands Bucky a CD, gestures to the CD player set up in the corner of the gym. "This music always helped me calm down. Maybe it'll work for you."

Bucky takes the CD and studies the other man for a moment before he nods. "Thanks." He doubts it'll work-- doubts it'll help with the memory-dreams-- but by this point, he's willing to try almost anything.

Bruce nods once in acknowledgement before he leaves the gym. Bucky debates whether or not to listen to the CD now, but eventually decides not to. He kills a few more punching bags before heading back up to his floor-- and he still couldn't get over the fact that he had an entire  _floor_ of his own; his own rooms, kitchen,  _everything_ \-- to get washed up before heading in search of food.

Buck's been at the Avengers Tower-- Tony's name, not his-- for three months now; almost a full year after D.C. He'd spent eight months on his own before coming to the conclusion that if he wanted his memories back, he needed to be closer to the catalyst-- closer to Steve Rogers. So that's what he did; he got close. And it's been both a blessing and a curse.

Blessing: He was right; being closer to Steve has unlocked more memories.

Curse: With those memories come the pain; it physically hurts, sometimes, to get his memories back. Most of the time they come in dreams, and he wakes up to a throat raw from screaming.

After he's got a bowl of... something (Tony had called it macaroni and cheese with ham, but it just looks like a giant snotball, if Bucky's being honest.) the ex-assassin heads to his floor. It takes a few moments (and more than a few tips from JARVIS) before he figures out the CD player, but eventually he settles down with his bowl and listens to the opening strains of... something.

Two minutes in, and he forgets about the food entirely, even though his stomach's growling loud enough to rival the music. Bucky just turns the volume up.

***

JARVIS helps him operate the computer, helps him work something called YouTube and another thing called Pandora. He finds as much of this type of music-- "Classical music, sir," JARVIS had informed him-- as he can, and listens to all of it. He liked Tchaikovsky's compositions the best-- something about Swan Lake, in particular, appeals to him-- but Prokofiev is a close second. The irony isn't lost on him that he prefers Russian composers, but he really can't care at the moment.

Natasha's the one who helps him get an iPod-- an older model, apparently, that can hold more songs than any newer model-- and she and Bruce help walk him through setting everything up. Soon enough, wherever Bucky goes, his music goes with him. Except missions; then he leaves the iPod behind in favor of making sure none of the Avengers get taken out by an unexpected enemy.

Steve finds the iPod about a month after Bucky gets it. Bucky finds him scrolling through it as he leaves the weight room, and he freezes, uncertain. Steve seems to realize he's there after only a moment, and he hands over the iPod with a sheepish smile. "Good music," he says. "I think I saw something about a production of  _Swan Lake_ being put on sometime soon."

Bucky looks at Steve, slightly hopeful. "Yeah?" Some of the YouTube videos he'd watched had been clips of the ballet, and it had looked interesting.

Steve nods. "I can get us tickets," he offers, and grins like mad when Bucky says yes.

***

The ballet is like nothing Bucky's ever experienced before.

He's got a cover for his prosthetic, courtesy of Tony, so he doesn't have to wear a sweater and gloves. He still wears the gloves, but it's nice to go out in public and look almost normal. He and Steve manage to nab seats closer to the front and in the middle, so that the stage is all they can see. As soon as the lights dim, Bucky reaches for Steve's hand with his own, holding tightly until the music starts and the curtain lifts; then, his grip loosens to an almost normal strength, and it doesn't even occur to him that he and Steve are holding hands in a theater. All he sees, can think of, is the music and the way the dancers' bodies move with it. It's hypnotic. 

He's a little surprised that this production is similar to Matthew Bourne's, where both the Prince and the Swan are men, but then it becomes a bit amusing; to Bucky, the Prince is Steve, and he is both the Swan and the Stranger. The comparison gets a little uncomfortable at the end, but then he's standing with the rest of the audience (he startles when his hand falls from Steve's; he hadn't even realized he was still holding it, even through the intermission) and applauding.

Bucky doesn't shut up the entire way back to the Tower, talking about the music, the dancing, the story, everything. He's still so absorbed in the memory of the ballet that he misses the small, pleased smile on Steve's face.

***

The music does help; Bucky goes to sleep with it playing softly through a speaker that Tony built ("Because all of the ones you can buy are absolute shit, Tin Man, so shut up and let me help you experience music properly.") and the memories come as dreams, not nightmares. The only ones that come as nightmares, now, are the memories of times he was forced to kill innocents.

The first time he has a dream about Steve, Beethoven's No. 5 in C Minor, Op. 67, Allegro con brio is playing. He doesn't remember much, only remembers that it seemed every time Steve touched him, the music crested. 

The second time, a track from Tchaikovsky's The Sleeping Beauty is playing, and Steve touched him like he was something precious, something worth loving.

It brings Bucky to tears, because he knows that Steve won't ever touch him like that.

***

 Gradually, he learns to resolve both the Winter Soldier and Bucky Barnes into one person. It's not an easy process, and most of the time it seems like it's one step forward, two steps back, but he does it.

When he does, Steve takes him to a production of Prokofiev's Cinderella to celebrate.

That night, when they're walking back to the Tower, Bucky still talks about the production, but Steve joins in; he'd been studying classical music, it seems. When they get to the Tower, Steve hesitates in the elevator. "Do you mind if we go to your floor?" he asks after a moment where neither of them say anything.

Bucky shrugs. "You're always welcome there." Steve nods like that settles the issue; maybe it does, but it doesn't settle the blond. Bucky can read the tension in his stance, in the tight flex of his jaw. So when they get to Bucky's floor, and they're standing in the kitchen area, looking everywhere but each other, Bucky finally says, "What's wrong?"

Steve startles. "What?"

Bucky rolls his eyes. "You're tense as hell, and you won't look at me. I don't think I've done anything since we left the theater, so what's wrong?"

Steve sighs, runs his fingers through his hair, and nods to himself, seemingly reaching a decision. "I can't keep doing this," he announces. He holds up a hand when Bucky opens his mouth, and Bucky closes it obediently. "I can't keep hanging out with you, pretending that all we are is just friends."

Bucky tells himself not to hope. "Then what do you want to do?" he asks, striving to keep his tone neutral.

"I want more of what we did back at that first ballet; I want to go out with you, I want to hold hands with you. I want to listen to you go on about ballet and classical music, talk about things I've never heard about but know that I'll be looking up later because they make you happy.  _I_ want to make you happy." Steve looks frustrated with himself, and before Bucky can say that Steve does, that he makes Bucky happier than he can remember being in  _decades,_ he blurts, "I want to kiss you." Steve promptly looks horrified at himself, and Bucky steps forward, reaching out with one hand to capture Steve's own, holding him in place.

"Steve, just wait-- Don't run off like some dame in an old romance," he says sternly. "Give me a second." His voice wavers, but Steve stays. He stays absolutely still-- Bucky's not sure if he's breathing-- as Bucky takes his time sorting out his response. "First, I want all that, too.  _All_ of it, Steve," he adds, putting extra emphasis into his tone. "Secondly, I had no clue you wanted that, otherwise I would've done this long ago."

Bucky leans forward and presses his lips to Steve's, just a dry, chaste kiss. When he pulls back, Steve looks at him in wonder for a moment, and then he leans forward as well, and kisses Bucky, gently framing the brunet's face in his hands, his thumbs stroking over the top of Bucky's cheekbones.

When Bucky tugs Steve into his bedroom, The Nutcracker: Scene XIV- Pas de Deux is playing.

Steve touches him the way that Bucky always dreamed he would.

This time, he doesn't cry.


End file.
